Baby's Guide To Ruling The World

I want my Mommy (Part I)

I love The Mommy. There’s no doubt about that. I know she loves me too, because even I know you gotta love someone A LOT to use those wet tissues to wipe the poopies off my butt.

So like always I’ve been trying to find a way to spend more time with The Mommy. Most days she leaves me with Miss J and all those other babies. She comes back after who knows how long (just because I can say clock doesn’t mean I know how to read one, people), and her and The Daddy give me lots of attention when we get home (over compensating much?) but why have attention for only a couple hours a night? I deserve – no it’s our god given RIGHT as babies – to have attention 24/7!

So here’s what I’ve been experimenting with – at drop-off at daycare make sure you cry. LOTS. None of that weak-sauce crying you do when dad does the drop-off. While The Mommy and The Daddy collude together, I know that a chain is only as strong as the weakest link, and The Mommy is always the weakest link when it comes to us. So when she hands you over to Miss J, start with a bang not a whimper! Do the pain cry – you know, like that time you hit your head on the coffee table. Make sure you squirm in Miss J’s arms. A few kicks here and there might be okay (sorry Miss J – all for the greater good). It’s hard, but hero points if you manage to throw up a bit of breakfast on Miss J. Oh, but here’s the important part – The Mommy’s gotta be watching all of it. As soon as she’s rounded the corner and out of sight, you can stop crying - don’t waste your energy. Rather, conserve it, because while you can’t see The Mommy, rest assured that she’s only walked down the hall or is just waiting behind the corner. At this stage be VERY alert – she’s about to make an appearance and it’s probably gonna be a really quick one. As soon as you see her, start up again. If you’re on the floor, run to her. If Miss J’s still got you, do the squirm and kick. If you’re holding something do a signature coup de gras move - drop whatever you’ve got in your hands and reach for her (akin to Dave Chappelle’s Rick James impression).

I’ve managed to round up a few cohorts, Clora and Liam, to try this experiment on their mommies. Managed to get them in during free-play near the Playskool kitchen. I made sure to dump a few fake peppers on Liam’s head while giving them the low-down, so as not to tip-off Miss J. I’ll keep you all posted on how the experiment’s going.

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